


Dear Kokichi Ouma,

by holduplester



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Depression, Despair, Divergent ending, Fluff, I just want them to be happy, Implied Sexual Content, Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), M/M, Post-Game(s), Post-New Dangan Ronpa V3, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Therapy, i feel so bad for shuichi, its kiibo not keebo, its okay though because, its ouma not oma, its shuichi instead of shuuichi tho lmao, oumasai, saiouma, sorry i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 13:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holduplester/pseuds/holduplester
Summary: It's been nearly 2 years since the 53rd season- the final season- of Danganronpa ended,And Shuichi is having a hard time dealing with the loss of Kokichi Ouma.





	Dear Kokichi Ouma,

Dear Kokichi Ouma,

How do I even begin this? It’s been nearly two years since we had escaped and you...died. Himiko, Maki, and I climbed out of the rubble of the fallen building, clutching onto the rocks that littered the ground. We had just lost another, Kiibo sacrificed himself for us. But...at that moment...I didn’t feel much besides hope? We looked at that sky- that artificially blue sky- and saw the cracks that littered it. We saw reality seeping into this world we thought was one-hundred percent truly real for days, weeks, months...years? I knew I wasn’t supposed to be happy, but I was. I thought of all the possibilities that existed when we stepped out of Danganronpa season fifty-three. I hoped that we would walk out to find all of you, alive and well, being nurtured in hospitals, stating that the entire thing was much like season two of the godforsaken show.

I’m sure you know what happened next, if you’re watching down on me, that is. Pain, sorrow, tears, heartache, _despair_. My friends were dead, _you_ were dead, and nobody was coming back.

My therapist says that I’ll get over this eventually- that I’ll get over you- but I just can’t seem to do that.

Why did you have to die like that? Why did you...kill yourself? Kokichi- you _killed_ yourself for the sake of saving the rest of us who were alive. You killed yourself for _me._

And how did I repay you?

I told you that you’d always be alone.

I loved you,

...yet I said that you’d always be alone.

Maybe it was the heat of the moment. Maybe it was because we just lost Miu and Gonta. Maybe it was because at that moment I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t unravel the enigma that was- no- is Kokichi Ouma. Yet, despite all of this, I still loved you.

I couldn’t help but think about when we first met, or when you basically manipulated Gonta into kidnapping us, or when you played the knife game and I ended up having to clumsily take care of your bleeding hand as you laughed.

And then you said you stole my heart.

And then later that night I realized you were right.

And even later that night...I ended up with your stupid orange and yellow underwear.

We were quite the secret couple, huh? Nobody knew about the stolen kisses or the cuddles late at night. Nobody knew about the soft whispers or the comforting or how mushy and sappy you got when you were alone with me. I guess that also meant that nobody knew about that one sweet spot on your neck, or the red and abused marks I left that you hid under your scarf or the way that you went crazy when my fingers would trace up and down your torso. Nobody knew a lot of stuff about us, more particularly, nobody knew a lot of stuff about you.

I wish they did though.

I guess Maki and Himiko know slightly more than they did almost two years ago, though. We all take the time to meet up once or twice a week and help each other out- whether that be through providing advice, talking about our daily lives, or reflecting on the killing game. No conversation goes without me mentioning you though. It feels good for at least someone else to know about us, and about how much I love you.

Himiko and Maki mention Angie, Tenko, and Kaito a lot as well. I hope they’re doing okay up there with you.

Aside from all of this, my mind never leaves you. It never leaves the endless possibilities we could’ve explored if you had just survived- if you had escaped with me. You used to talk about what we’d do together when we escaped. We would rent a small, humble apartment in a small, humble city. I would apprentice for my Uncle and you’d focus on making sure DICE didn’t get caught up in any of their petty pranks or crimes. We still needed money though, so it wasn’t a surprise that you also spent your time leading a small youth rehabilitation group at the police station downtown. That’s ironic.

How stupid was I to blindly believe everything you were saying without knowing you were planning your own damn murder? If only I had noticed sooner. If only I had discovered your blueprints or plans. If only-

If only you were alive. I keep coming back to this damn motif and it hurts my head. I’m in so much pain, Kokichi. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry every day and have full-blown mental breakdowns every night. If I said that I didn’t show up to the weekly meetings with red and puffy eyes, Himiko and Maki constantly asking if I was okay. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t look you up before you auditioned for Danganronpa and scoured the internet for every last piece of information the world had held on you. I would be lying if I said I was happy.

It’s been two years, and I can’t keep living like this. I’m hurting so, so bad Kokichi. Himiko and Maki have found peace, they’ve found a stable life with a stable mentality, but I haven’t. I spend my nights thinking about “what-ifs” and “maybes” instead of being proactive.

So I’ve decided to be proactive.

Which is why I decided to write this suicide letter.

Because if you can’t live, why should I?

Goddamnit Kokichi, I love you so much.

You died so I could live, I’m so sorry.

I love you, Kokichi Ouma.

* * *

 

Just as Shuichi Saihara was about to step off the brown and worn-down bar stool placed messily in the middle of his dark and enclosed apartment, a swift _ding dong_ could be heard from the front door. His breath hitched in his chest, and he was faced with a crossroads. End it, or leave it.

End it, or leave it.

End it, or leave it.

_End it, or leave it._

End it, or live on.

End it, or live on for Kokichi.

End it, or prove Kokichi’s sacrifice to be worth it.

End it, or allow Kokichi some peace.

End it, or find happiness through the memories created with Kokichi.

Shuichi stepped off the stool, but not before he could remove the noose that was scratching his already red neck and neatly folding the letter into his pocket.

And it’s almost as if he saw a small, skinny, pale ghost with plum-purple hair and lilac eyes breathe a sigh of relief from the corner of the room.

**Author's Note:**

> welp  
> im sorry.
> 
> My original plan was to actually have Shuichi go through with it, and meet Kokichi in heaven, but I decided against it for 2 reasons;
> 
> 1\. I didn't want to glorify suicide in any way, or even imply that killing yourself will have a happy ending. If I wrote this fic in the way I originally planned, I would've been going against my own morals as well as spreading some harmful ideas through my writing.
> 
> 2\. Kokichi died to stop the killing game, and to save Shuichi in one way or another. If Shuichi killed himself, it would've completely rendered Kokichi's sacrifice useless, which is why I decided against my original ending.
> 
> I really hope y'all liked this! I'm sorry it was such a sad fic, I hate seeing my boys suffer but I live for the angst :'(
> 
> I'm about to start writing a long, chaptered fic based around a love triangle with Kaede, Shuichi, and Kokichi. I'm not sure when I'll post the first chapter, but I hope you guys stay tuned!
> 
> Thanks for reading, take care of yourselves <3


End file.
